Ever since I lost my baby, I've gone back and forth between good days, OK days and really bad days. Today has been a really bad day. I can always tell when there's grief beneath the surface, as I lack patience with my girls, minor setbacks feel like major blows and I am inevitably on the receiving end of a pounding headache. Even though I don't like myself during those days, I'm going to cut myself a little slack in this area. Grief is normal. I need to grieve. Although I wish I could be a little more constructive...
On the other hand, I can't allow bitterness to take root any longer. Many times during rough trials, God has been at the center of my anger. This time, not so much. My faith in God has held steady (praise the Lord!). My faith in humanity has declined. And that's where my bitterness lies. I'm bitter because I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I feel jipped because life is seemingly normal for those around me, and I'm still grieving.
My grief is a breeding ground for bitter root. I hear the lies and I accept them: You aren't worthy of motherhood. You aren't worthy of friendship. You aren't worthy of joy. No one cares.
But no more. I am determined, with God's help, to cut out bitterness. To instead focus on truth.
"Remember your promise to me;
it is my only hope.
Your promise revives me;
it comforts me in all my troubles.
The proud hold me in utter contempt,
but I do not turn away from your instructions."
Psalm 119:49-51 (NLT)