Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A bitter root


Ever since I lost my baby, I've gone back and forth between good days, OK days and really bad days. Today has been a really bad day. I can always tell when there's grief beneath the surface, as I lack patience with my girls, minor setbacks feel like major blows and I am inevitably on the receiving end of a pounding headache. Even though I don't like myself during those days, I'm going to cut myself a little slack in this area. Grief is normal. I need to grieve. Although I wish I could be a little more constructive...


On the other hand, I can't allow bitterness to take root any longer. Many times during rough trials, God has been at the center of my anger. This time, not so much. My faith in God has held steady (praise the Lord!). My faith in humanity has declined. And that's where my bitterness lies. I'm bitter because I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I feel jipped because life is seemingly normal for those around me, and I'm still grieving.


My grief is a breeding ground for bitter root. I hear the lies and I accept them: You aren't worthy of motherhood. You aren't worthy of friendship. You aren't worthy of joy. No one cares.


But no more. I am determined, with God's help, to cut out bitterness. To instead focus on truth.


"Remember your promise to me;

      it is my only hope.
Your promise revives me;
      it comforts me in all my troubles.
The proud hold me in utter contempt,
      but I do not turn away from your instructions." 
Psalm 119:49-51 (NLT)

5 comments:

  1. Malinda- I can't say you get over losing a baby, but I can say it does get better. I still have days when I wonder why but they are getting less. I know God had a reason and I have to just accept that. Just know that our babies have the best babysitter until we can meet them! Tania

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  2. Today I went to Countryside Feed...needed corn for VBS next week...My dad worked there for many years. Needless to say, a part of me left feeling very alone and very sad with a big hole in my heart. The smell, the staff, the atmosphere...all made me sick to my stomach. So, today you are not alone. I am right across the road feeling the same.

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  3. I echo others' comments, you are not alone. Our second child would most likely have been born this week, so it has been rough for me today as well. God had a reason to take our babies back to heaven, and at this point, He is the only one that knows what that reason is. Although, I will say it would have been very stressful for us to be delivering a baby this week, with harvest days, maybe hours away. But that doesn't make the pain any less real. I journaled my feelings for about 3 months following the miscarriage which really helped me move past the grief. Thanks for sharing, I am praying for you. -Nicole Suderman

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  4. I, too, still grieve for a baby that we lost. I felt so alone in my grief. Everyone makes you feel like you should just wake up the next day and go on like nothing happened. But for the parents, the feelings go way too deep. You are not alone in your pain...
    Mrs. B.

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  5. Whatever is true....think on these things. Phil 4:8. This verse got me through my bitterness this winter. I'll keep praying for you as you try to heal from your loss.

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