Do you ever have moments when you come across scripture & it immediately resonates with you? That's happened to me twice in the last few days, both times in the book of Proverbs.
The first verse I came across was Proverbs 14:13:
"Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and rejoicing may end in grief."
The next was Proverbs 13:12a
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick"
I'm living these verses...and I'm finally ready to tell you why.
On Oct. 31, I experienced my second miscarriage in 6 months. The week before, I was elated to realize I was expecting...but after my ectopic, I developed a bit of paranoia, which resulted in me taking multiple pregnancy tests. I took three, all positive, the last being on Friday. On Monday, I took my remaining test. Negative.
A blood test a few hours later confirmed my fear...I was miscarrying. Yes, it was early. No, it didn't make it hurt any less. I kept thinking about the fact that I now had as many children in heaven as in my own house. Heartbreak.
My rejoicing in those moments ended in grief.
And then I waited this month...am I? Am I not? Am I? Am I not?
I HOPE I am...
And then the answer I didn't want...Not.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
I am tired of waiting. Of getting my hopes up over and over. Of feeling down when my hope is delayed.
I am tired of thinking! My brain never shuts off, and I'm always wondering if there's something wrong with me. If I will ever again experience the joy of a full-term pregnancy. If I will ever again rock another baby of my own.
The unknown is a hard road. And it's hard for me to let go. For me to rest. It's a daily battle for me to give my struggles to the Lord. But I know that He is with me. I am trusting in him for a new strength (Isaiah 40:31).
And, I am waiting for the second half of Proverbs 13:12:
"But a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."