Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Ready to share

Do you ever have moments when you come across scripture & it immediately resonates with you? That's happened to me twice in the last few days, both times in the book of Proverbs.


The first verse I came across was Proverbs 14:13:
"Even in laughter the heart may ache, 
   and rejoicing may end in grief."



The next was Proverbs 13:12a
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick"


I'm living these verses...and I'm finally ready to tell you why.


On Oct. 31, I experienced my second miscarriage in 6 months. The week before, I was elated to realize I was expecting...but after my ectopic, I developed a bit of paranoia, which resulted in me taking multiple pregnancy tests. I took three, all positive, the last being on Friday. On Monday, I took my remaining test. Negative. 


A blood test a few hours later confirmed my fear...I was miscarrying. Yes, it was early. No, it didn't make it hurt any less. I kept thinking about the fact that I now had as many children in heaven as in my own house. Heartbreak.


My rejoicing in those moments ended in grief.


And then I waited this month...am I? Am I not? Am I? Am I not?


I HOPE I am...


And then the answer I didn't want...Not.


Hope deferred makes the heart sick.


I am tired of waiting. Of getting my hopes up over and over. Of feeling down when my hope is delayed.


I am tired of thinking! My brain never shuts off, and I'm always wondering if there's something wrong with me. If I will ever again experience the joy of a full-term pregnancy. If I will ever again rock another baby of my own.


The unknown is a hard road. And it's hard for me to let go. For me to rest. It's a daily battle for me to give my struggles to the Lord. But I know that He is with me. I am trusting in him for a new strength (Isaiah 40:31).


And, I am waiting for the second half of Proverbs 13:12:
"But a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."



6 comments:

  1. Oh Malinda, I'm so glad you shared. There is something about sharing and reminding others to pray that is so freeing. Vulnerability is part of the healing process, know that I am praying. I love your honesty.

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  2. I've been praying for you Malinda, that the desires of your heart and your dreams will be fulfilled!

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  3. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" is a verse that I ran across earlier this summer reflecting on my own trials. We may not have the same struggles, but we both know what heart-sickness is. I understand a brain that never shuts off, and I hope for you that it is only too much stress triggering this, but that you won't be afraid to check out the possibilities and seek help if need be. Sleep, rest, and a peaceful mind are important commodities for your well-being! A hug from me to you and Brad. Remind yourself, in these broken times, how strong our God is! How good He is! And what good plans He has for us, even if we cannot see or understand how they are unfolding now. Love from another heart-sick soul.

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  4. Still praying! I love when God's word speaks so directly to us that we can't help but hear Him! Thanks for your vulnerability!

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  5. Per our conversation this week---thank goodness God still speaks to us in our darkness. I love him for speaking to you. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart" is verse that has been coming to mind this week. I will be praying for peace for you, too.

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  6. Wow! It's so weird that I stumbled across your blog...today... a day where I woke up feeling tired of the wait. and tired of getting my hopes up. You see, I have also sufferred 2 miscarriages this year. One in Feb where I was 12 weeks (and had heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks) and then again in July at 9 weeks. We have been trying for over a year and a half for a second baby but, the Lord is telling us to Wait. Over and over. and I admit that I am discouraged. But, I TRUST the Lord's timing to be perfect. I stumbled acorss your blog accidently but, your words are SO encouraging and what I needed to be reminded of Today - your beautiful words that "But a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." so thank you!
    delaneyla at gmail.com

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