As weeks go, last week was a precursor to the weekend...but more than that, it led up to a discussion with people I love over a subject near to my heart. And I was burdened from the weight (read more HERE).
I spent so much time thinking about the subject that it took over in my mind...much of my waking moments (even at night) were spent in prayer...and yes, worry. Worry about the words I would speak and the atmosphere the discussion might take.
At first, as I processed, I kept replaying the hurtful actions and hurtful words that I buried...but not deep, just under the surface enough that I remembered only when discussing/thinking about the matter. And I knew that I did not want to speak from that place of hurt, but instead one of healing. However, old habits die hard.
I wrote out words to speak, feeling good about them. I spoke over the weekend. The discussion seemed to be healthy. But the next day, these thoughts hit hard: You didn't say enough. You should have talked about your hurts. Your words were weak. Ineffective. Powerless. Junk.
And like only in a battle of the mind, I spent time nursing that guilt and letting it grow. And then I would stop and realize what I was doing. And then I would allow the guilt to flood back in...and on and on.
But this word filled my devotional (Sarah Young's Jesus Calling) this morning: TRUST.
Young writes: "Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind."
Yep. A parasite.
You see, I felt a sense of peace about the words I wrote and the words I presented until lies started seeping in. I came up with a few reasons for my anxiety:
One, the words of affirmation love language is second on my list...and I spoke to silence. No response. No affirmation. And that's hard for me. Silence always makes me question myself. I'm not sure it's a lack of self-confidence, but how I process things. Like anything, it can be a strength, or a weakness...and in this moment, weak I was!
Two, the discussion was healthy, but provided no closure. I still feel hurt. In the large scheme, I know it's not about me...and yet, the emotion is a strong undercurrent. My prayer is that I will let the love of God cover and heal that...with or without an apology.
Three, sometimes I'm just too full of ideas! I think. A lot. I study. I learn. And then I burst with the need to share. So, spawning from other comments that came up, I started to think of answers...and also of more questions to ask...more discussion to be had. A sometimes vicious cycle I tell you!
But the bottom line...the thing I needed to hear...is all about trust. I trusted God to give me words to speak, and He did. I spoke from my heart, sharing part of my testimony...you can't get more personal than that. So now, I need to trust.
Young also writes: "What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I (God) read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me."
Today, I choose to stop the mind-battle with trust.