You know that feeling you get when a piece of cement drops out and disappears from your backyard patio? Oh wait...you don't know? You mean that's NOT normal?
That was the sight of our patio in September. Shortly after we realized the broad scope of this project, I listened to a sermon by Francis Chan called "Fearless." And that was just the beginning of the lesson God had for me with the largest sermon illustration I've ever seen.
We later discovered that a cistern had been improperly filled in under the back porch. Over many years, the cistern had collapsed, creating a funnel for dirt to "disappear." This left us with a normal-looking porch sitting over...well...over nothing.
The parallels to my life are uncanny. My hole dropped out at Women's Encounter in November 2013. The depths of my instability were revealed in the months to come. The lies I had believed about myself, about my circumstances, about God had created a funnel that was sucking life...and joy...from me.
All that realization had to come before the rebuilding. I had to come to a point of understanding...that this was something I couldn't do alone. Just like I fought the urge to do a complete DIY repair of our house (because that's what we do. My husband is awesome at fixing things, and we've NEVER had to pay people to do projects before.)
So I had to also come to terms with needing help myself. My word for the year is restore. I've since dubbed it Project: RESTORE. Many of you know my testimony. My biological dad left my mom and I when I was very young. My mom married my dad when I was two, then came my siblings...two sisters and a brother. In high school, my brother drowned. I was 15.
In the years to follow, a lot of surface healing was done...but not the kind of ripping apart, digging, pulling sort of deconstruction I needed. The kind of healing I needed was exactly like the construction that happened in my backyard in January.
With the help of a godly Christian counselor in Wichita...one who specializes in PTSD (which is possible to have without military service), and of course, depression, I am digging back layers and learning to think in a new way.
When we first realized what a huge project our house was, I was really frustrated. Maybe even borderline angry...I mean, we felt God had provided this house for us...and now this? But now I'm thankful for it...for the imagery it's given me...and the courage to fill up my holes with something solid and lasting.
We're currently at a time of waiting with our house. Sometimes it's like that with my own restoration. We're making plans for our house...and I know God is making plans for me. We're waiting for dirt to settle before building (something). God continues to sift me so He can build (something).
I'm excited actually...even when circumstances are painful. The transformation will be worth it...on both sides of this story.